"People think your soul mate is your perfect fit. And that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who show you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life."
Over the past few years, the lessons and events of life have led me to appreciate a specific facet of my own reality that you may well be able to relate to: The Universe has a wonderful knack for irony. However, its own particular brand of irony encompasses a deep resonance, and we get the sense that we are receiving a complete and undiluted Universal truth. Depending on where we are in our personal journeys, these truths may be jarring, harsh, dumb-founding, and/or hilarious. MANY MANY lessons that the Universe sends our way are our human mirrors- because quite frankly they're the ones that we pay the most attention to.
Our human mirrors are some of the most potent lessons we learn, for our pending lessons (in positive or negative form) are shown to us in a relate-able manner, and in a language that we understand so that our rational minds can comprehend them. Our human mirrors are also potent lessons, because one of the central themes that we are learning as a collective speaks to seeking exterior validation and judgement. It is a lesson that leads us to maintain unwaverable authenticity, and the discovery of our own hue in the color scheme of our collective soul. At certain junctures of this journey, the Universe sends us a unique kind of human mirror: A Soul Mate.
In my reality, the resonant description of a Soul Mate is as follows.
Our Soul Mates are the incarnates whom are housing a soul which we have known in other lifetimes- likely a facet of our very own soul that divided somewhere along the line to inhabit different bodies. These are the souls with which we quarreled, but with whom we no longer need to play out Karmic debts. The ones with whom we are cosmic family, and likely took to be our lovers once or twice in the past. These are the individuals with whom, if we conquer our ego's insecurities and blocks, we have the opportunity to reach our highest potential. They bring out a kind of love in us that we may not have known we were capable of.
Most of what I wish to address in this blog, however, is the part leading up to when it gets to be all rainbows and butterflies. The part before we have fully accepted and integrated the idea of being part of another. The part when we are so confused, unsure, and uncomfortable that we are tempted to start peeling our skin off with a cheese-grater.
In my reality, the resonant description of what it was like to fall in love with my Soul Mate is a follows. Spirit relays to me that this may well be received as helpful and relevant to other readers.
When we see the cycle, we must have the courage and the strength to break it...
...Once and for all.
Once I was persistently checking in with Spirit each day, becoming centered, I was thrown a brand new curve-ball to stir up my entire world. Thus was irony's appetizer. Before I knew it, I was yet again face-to-face with an old cycle. Here is how the cycle goes:
One is functioning under the false pretense that they contain a finite amount of love, perhaps stemming from insecurity and a need for a breakthrough in self-love. Due to the 'pressures' of external judgement and validation, when engaging others, one- however authentically- sticks to their official list of interests, skills, and topics that have shown to be intriguing to others in past experience. One becomes comfortable with oneself in the realm of connecting with others, while still keeping a comfortable distance.
*Enter Soul Mate*
One gets to know this individual on a friendly basis, and finds this friend to be definite Soul Family. One day, sparks ignite and a whole new factor is thrown into the mix: intimacy. For a while, one does not think too seriously about their new interaction- for it is one of the most genuine connections they have ever experienced, and it is truly wonderful.
One realizes that some time has passed, and this new intimate factor in their life is not fizzling out. The ego haunts the mind with past experiences of how "it never worked," and painful reminders that we "have no idea how to fall in love." Of course, pair that with the intense underlying feelings of lifetimes of deep romance and connection- which is enough to spook the ego like a fainting goat next to cannon-fire.
Now that ego has surfaced, one panics slightly and begins to play the "escapist;" searching for "deal-breakers" at every corner in order to sabotage the relationship with a clean conscience. It's dirty, but it's true.
Fortunately, in this final instance of the cycle, I could not find any serious viable red-flags. I could not deny the connection that I felt, the longing to be with this individual. Every emotionally charged and confusing day, I chose him. He became the anchor to my inflatable life-boat atop a stormy sea.
Along with this "program" running in my mind, I was faced with another internal challenge. This challenge addressed another "program," or cycle, that I was playing out in my head. I concerned myself far too much with other peoples judgments. The fact that I was sensitive to this makes this fact all-the-more ironic: My partner and I maintain a 20-year age gap. Personally, it never bothered either one of us from day one. However as our relationship persisted and I began to entertain the idea of a long-term relationship, and actually like... telling people, I started to freak out a little bit. Would my parents condone me dating a 40-year-old man? I know now that through the act of worrying about what others might have thought, I literally created scenarios in my mind that hadn't even happened yet (see previous blog: Red-Flags of the Ego Part I). For this, I was attracting these very experiences. As stated in the description of the relationship cycle mentioned, I used to have a tendency to become an escapist in relationships. My ego tried to use the age difference as a rationalization as to why the relationship wouldn't work, and why I should just jump ship. This was even reflected back at me by one of my closest friends at that time, who brought up a "concern" about the age difference, that was later apologized for and clarified as an act of jealousy. Still, at the time, this almost pushed me over the edge (as it was very early in the relationship). However I could not shake the feeling that our convergence was too important to just walk away from. Being that external judgement was a HUGE lesson for me at this juncture, I am extremely proud of myself for continuously choosing love rather than succumbing to other peoples views. Normalcy never really was my bag, anyway. What a challenge it was! Did we get funny looks from old ladies in the park? Yes. Did I EVER think I would have the balls to tell my family, let alone take him home to meet them? NOPE. Did it happen? Yes. And guess what? I'M ALIVE! And our relationship grows stronger and juicier each and every day!
On a more internal level, part of the role Soul Mates play in our lives is to show us the aspects of ourselves that we need to get real with. Originally coming from a place of caring a bit too much about other people's thoughts and judgments, I was gifted a partner who is quite forthcoming and blunt about what he sees, and whether or not it is authentically of the Highest. As I moved passed my extremely fragile state and began to come to terms with the fact that I was falling in love, enough space was cleared to sort of "call each other out" on the aspects of the other that we saw were capable of coming into greater balance. We are, of course, still learning and practicing this balance. On my side, I tend to cater to people in order to guide them on a gentle path to truth. For this, I sometimes lower myself energetically, and therefore allow myself to be susceptible to, or "take on," the other person's thoughts, judgments, and worries. My beloved, on the other hand, lays down the iron fist at the first sign of destructive or inauthentic behavior. Out of this, he has helped me greatly to break out of the over-empathy; not taking on other people's struggles, and not diluting myself (and therefore compromising my self-worth) in order to make those around me less uncomfortable. I, on the other hand, have been teaching him a bit of tact and compassion. Thankfully, we are both very adept learners, and are able to grow both individually and together.
This brings up another important aspect of coexisting with a Soul Mate: Learning to grow together. In previous blog entries, I have referenced the material of The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. One of the agreements we must make with ourselves to lead a healthy and happy life is: Don't take anything personally. This particular agreement becomes especially tricky when we become intimate with someone. When we let ourselves become vulnerable with someone, and express a deep caring about them, it is much harder to take their criticism. It is easy to assume (another of The Four Agreements is not to assume) that in the moment something touchy is brought up, that the relationship is in danger. This of course, is not aided by the old paradigm of relationships that we are surfacing from: a battle for energy between two incomplete individuals in which anything imaginable is ammunition to be "used against" the other at any time. This is why it is absolutely necessary to find completeness in oneself before we can make it work with a Soul Mate. Being complete in ourselves eliminates the vampiric competition of energy. That being said, for those whom have had experience in these sorts of relationships, triggers associated with this past experience can be a difficult hurdle to overcome.
The solution for this was most eloquently put by my mother; complete with a metaphor about a sock which I do not currently remember. To put it simply, there are two (if not more) important aspects to a balanced relationship. First and foremost, there is friendship- the person with whom you make up silly songs, roll around on the floor like a cat, show your ugliest silly-faces, and with whom you can share advice and be totally real with. Then, there is the tenderness, the romantic connection- the sort of deep intimacy that is so special, it is not to be shared with anyone else, and not to be compromised by any thing.* When it comes time in which one needs to bring up something that is not resonant with them in the relationship, it is very important that it comes from the space of the friend. To make this clear in the relationship, perhaps make an altar-space in your home together, to honor the lovers. This altar will always be holding space for the beautiful and intimate love shared, no matter what. This space can be made partially with the intention of easing yours or your partners minds while speaking about non-resonant aspects. This way, when something needs to be said from that "friend place," one could even take a very special item from the alter, and give it to their partner as a sign of their sacred and unwaverable love throughout a potentially difficult discussion.
*NOTE: I am aware that polyamory is currently being practiced by a large amount of brothers and sisters on this planet. I am in NO WAY judging these preferences and choies. It remains resonant in my reality, however, that maintaining more than one lover takes up too much energetic space to attract a long-term Soul Mate. It is entirely possible that one may meet a Soul Mate, as well as take them as a lover, while maintaining other lovers. However once the individual "chooses" the Soul Mate, one must clear enough energetic space to build that relationship. The same is true for those with multiple lovers, or just one lover whom they know not to be their Soul Mate: In order to start calling them in, one must make room for them by purging themselves of all other lovers FIRST.